Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Randomize
