In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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