We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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