if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
