sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
