I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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