One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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