so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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