She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
