If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
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