I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
