I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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