i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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