the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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