That's when you crack a 10am beer
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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