ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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