Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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