Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
