He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
