People in love make me want to vomit
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
