There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
