My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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