Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she smelled like a LAN party
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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