So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
