I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
