What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
