dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
