then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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