Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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