I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
