does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
