I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
