and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
