If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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