i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
