Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This is not my ceiling
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
