I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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