just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
