Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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