I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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