my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
