ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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