He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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