my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
