How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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