now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
