2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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