worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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