I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
