Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
