I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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