It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
