So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
